HIGH LONESOME RANCH

HIGH LONESOME RANCH, INC
Birch River, West Virginia 26610
Jim & Marcy Lilly hlrinc@yahoo.com

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Kiss the Pig Contest

Here are some funny things I have received in e-mails.

How to Prepare for a Puppy Things I must remember as a dog Notice to people who visit my home.

JOKES Dear Dogs, GET A DOG! How many Dogs does it take ...

How to Prepare for a Puppy

Pour cold apple juice on the carpet in several places and walk around barefoot in the dark.
Wear a sock to work that has had the toes shredded by a blender.
Immediately upon waking, stand outside in the rain and dark saying, "Be a good puppy, go potty now - hurry up - come on, lets go!"
Cover all your best suits with dog hair. Dark suits must use white hair,
and light suits must use dark hair.
Also float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.
Play "catch" with a wet tennis ball.
Run out in the snow in your bare feet to close the gate.
Tip over a basket of clean laundry, scatter clothing all over the floor.
Leave your underwear on the living room floor, because that's where the dog
will drag it anyway. (Especially when you have company.)
Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and run to the door shouting, "No no! Do that OUTSIDE!" Miss the end of the program.
Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the morning, and don't try to clean it
up until you return from work that evening.
Gouge the leg of the dinning room table several times with a screwdriver - it's going to get chewed on anyway.
Take a warm and cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around yourself. This is the feeling you will get when your puppy falls asleep on your lap.

~Author Unknown

Things I must remember as a dog

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
9. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

Notice to people who visit my home.

1. The dog lives here. You don't.
2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. Yes, she has some disgusting habits. So do I and so do you. What's your point?
4. OF COURSE she smells like a dog.
5. It's her nature to try to sniff your crotch. Please feel free to sniff hers.
6. I like her a lot better than I like most people.
7. To you she's a dog. To me she's an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. I have no problem with any of these things.
8. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about whether they have the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant you can sell the pups.
9. The same applies for the cats, except they will ignore you... until you're asleep.

JOKES

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign
saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass
door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor
besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to
beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused.
"That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous
dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept
tripping over him."

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.
Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong
horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"

Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy
didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse
easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer
why he called his horse by the wrong name three
times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only
one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

Inner Strength

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can do all these things,

Then you are probably the family dog.

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."

12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:
"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!

You Know You're a Redneck When... You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

Dear Dogs,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in my way. The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs aren't small Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not necessary.

The proper order is: kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Thank you!

GET A DOG!

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section... Get a dog.

If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you... Get a dog.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it... Get a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want... Get a dog.

If you want someone to scare away burglars, without a lethal weapon which terrifies you and endangers the lives of your family and all the neighbors... Get a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't give a damn about baseball, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies... Get a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores... Get a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, with boobs or without, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally and perpetually... Get a dog. But on the other hand: If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night, only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness, then my friend..... Either get married or get a cat.